February, 2020 - Three of Cups

~TW; Trauma, unsafe situations, descriptions of trauma responses.~

                    Like the ancient Roman festival of ritual cleansing, Februa, from which February gets it's name, my month that was ruled by the Three of Cups, was clarifying. Time was spent healing my psyche, exploring my interests, and tending to my needs.

                   The Three of Cups is ruled by water and 3; Water representing your emotional and spiritual self and 3 representing abundance, creation, and fertility. Together, it's a time of creating (or rediscovering) friendships, discovering that which inspires you, and most of all, being the parent to yourself and creating an improved version of yourself, a.k.a., healing.

                    Of course, healing is not easy. It is painful, world-crumbling, and tiresome. For a long while now, I felt like the end of my trauma-healing journey was in sight; My hyper awareness has died down quite a bit, I usually feel quite confident and safe most days, and I felt ready to stand my ground to anyone who tested my boundaries. But then, as I was reading in a library one day, a man approached me from behind and seductively touched my shoulder as he passed me by. My left brain immediately went silent while my right brain went haywire; I was frozen. My muscles tensed up and my eyes began to glaze over as I started to dissociate. Although it felt like minutes, I know it was seconds before a librarian snapped at him and had my back. He was ordered to leave the library after he became belligerent. The place went quiet as I began to silently cry. I thought I would be able to stand up for myself in a situation like this, and it made me aware that this journey is one I will probably never be completely over with. This was difficult to come to terms with but was a necessary realization. It was tough, but healing is always difficult.

                        Since that experience, I have began practicing saying "No" to everything and anything that doesn't serve me, I took a sober week off to clear my mind, and have began doing things that make me feel empowered, such as sending e-mails to people I want to work with, going roller skating, and practicing falling down with grace instead of fear (by falling down on purpose and rolling around on my floor like a complete goofball). I have also made plans with more friends than usual, I've been eating intentionally, exercising more frequently with the intention of getting stronger, and practicing trauma-informed yoga by myself.

                        My altar has since been rotating between focusing on the solar plexus and the throat chakra, for power/motivation and truth/communication, respectively. I can already see my growth before my very eyes and I can't pretend I'm not proud of myself. Life is complex and everyone has trauma; it's your time to look at the hard truths and put life back into your own hands. This month, give yourself something to be proud of; focus on the Three of Cups and ask yourself, "What do I need? What do I want?"